You left me boundaries of pain~ Emily Dickinson
Capacious as the sea,
Between eternity and time,
Your consciousness and me.
There are words you think you will never hear and others you believe shall never dare grace your lips or fingertips.
For me, this month has been filled with a cavalcade of both.
On the afternoon of July 4, 2022, seemingly out of the blue, my husband (Tony) left me and ended our marriage.
In a matter of a few sentences, he said that he no longer feels romantic love for me, wants a swift divorce, and that our shared home is to be sold ASAP.
Had a meteorite plummeted from the heavens and fallen on my head, I would have been less surprised.
That at least could have been explained by science.
This… this makes zero sense.
Up until the moment that those life-shattering sentences were uttered, I would have told you with the utmost conviction that our love was deeper and our relationship stronger than ever before.
I have never been unfaithful, and I genuinely believe that Tony has not either.
Like most couples, we have had our ups and downs, disagreements and tiffs over the years, but they were usually few and far between (and were normally quickly resolved or simply moved beyond when they did occur).
As far as I know, (up until now) neither of us wanted to radically overhaul or change our lives, move to a different part of the country/world, switch career paths, or anything substantial like that.
There has never been any abuse whatsoever of any kind perpetrated by either party.
Likewise, neither of us has (or has ever had) a substance abuse, drinking, or gambling problem (or any other serious vice or addiction).
Looking in from an outsider’s perspective, I understand that this situation, therefore, makes little to no sense.
Believe me, as the person on the receiving end of the lightning-fast death blow of my marriage, no one gets that better than I do.
I have only vagaries to go on at present and so am just about as in the dark as everyone else right now.
I loved – and continue to love – Tony with every ounce of my being. We have been together since 2004, marrying a mere seven months after we met in October of that same year (a beautiful love story that I detailed here).
Through countless trials and tribulations, times tougher than a kodiak bear, and moments when the only thing that made our happiness greater was magnifying it off of the other person, we stuck together, always growing closer and stronger as a cohesive unit.
I do not know what exactly changed in Tony and I will not theorize as to such publicly.
No matter what he may do or how profoundly he has altered both of our lives, I hold him dearer to me than words could ever fully convay.
Naturally, I have offered to do just about anything to try and fix us.
Considering that I did not know we were in trouble – let alone broken – I cannot overstate how much I would go to the ends of the earth to make us whole again. To try couples counselling, to attempt a trial separation period, to move homes, anything I can possibly think of, but these are not paths Tony is currently open to venturing down together.
At present, the door to my heart remains wide open to the possibility – however slim – of us reuniting. That said, while I keep that door open, please know that I understand and accept that more likely than not, he may never cross its threshold again.
As you might imagine, my life has been completely turned on its head. On top of the mental and physical agony that I am in at the moment, I have been thrust out into the world on my own for the first time in eighteen years.
In the process working at breakneck speed to handle the legal and myriad pragmatic sides of being jarringly separated from the man I believed I would forever call my husband.
Flipflopping between the worst emotional pain of my life and the continued shock that still teeters on numbness at times, I have been navigating the waters of getting my legal affairs in order, searching for housing that I can somehow afford for myself and our dog (who will be living with me) in Canada’s third most expensive housing market, packing up our current home, and getting ready to list our house for sale this coming week.
Gone in the blink of an eye is living in the home we created together following the arson house fire that we experienced in October 2016. A cozy roof and four walls that held not only our day-to-day existence, but innumerable memories of times past paired with scores of hopes and dreams for the future.
A shared vision for our tomorrow that up until twenty days ago, I believed we would long continue to write together on the pages of history. Our hands holding the metaphorical pen in unison that would do so.
But sometimes the inkwell inexplicably gets tipped over or runs dry and the life you envisioned is now one you must mourn so as to somehow – some unfathomable how – find the ability to carry on when every breath, every heartbeat, every waking second hurts like death itself.
For the end of any serious relationship – be it a marriage or otherwise – is unquestionably a form of death.
Sometimes the end is a long time coming.
In others, such as this, it proves to be the most shocking and unforeseen event that may ever happen to a person.
For me, it is the latter (and I am very much factoring the arson fire into that statement).
Tony wasn’t just my husband, he was my very best friend. My greatest source of comfort and support, my rock, my calm in the perpetual storm that is life, my biggest cheerleader, my reason to smile no matter what life threw our way, my soulmate… my everything.
Just as I am certain in my heart of hearts that I was for him as well. If not for the whole, then for very nearly the entire eighteen magical years we experienced together.
I don’t know where we went wrong, because I truly did not believe anything was seriously amiss – let alone (again) to such a profound degree. Perhaps I will never know – the onus of answers lies squarely on my beloved’s shoulders.
Like many of us, I have weathered my fair share of serious challenges and losses over the years. From becoming a multi-chronic illness fighter in my teens to the aforementioned fire and many others, life has thrown so many curveballs at me that I could probably play in the Major Leagues at this point.
This, however, is the swiftest, hardest, and most difficult thus far in my 38 years on earth.
That said, no matter how much the mere act of existing hurts at a cellular level right now, I believe I will find a way to keep going. To start over once again.
Doing so without a penny or an asset to my name, and – due to the severity of my chronic health problems – with, at best, sporadic self-employment. (Note, as per our separation agreement, I will be receiving monthly alimony payments for a number of years provided Tony remains employed, but will still be doing everything in my power to generate additional income so as to meet my most important basic daily living and medical expenses.)
My marriage is over, and I am in the throes of grief unlike any I have ever known. Yet dawn follows even the darkest eve and surely, somehow, I will get through this living nightmare and the indescribable heartache that accompanies it.
Due to the massive number of serious challenges I am facing and tackling at present, it is impossible for me to keep publishing fresh content here right now.
As such, from today onward, I am putting this blog (Witchcrafted Life) on what I hope beyond hope will be a temporary – not permanent – hiatus as I deal with everything that the abrupt and wholly unforeseen end of a marriage entails.
Whether to return (be it at my usual posting pace or a more reduced one) or to simply provide you with an update on how things are going in my life, I will do my best to post here at some point in the coming fall months (potentially October or November).
Much as I will not be creating new blog content (or craft projects for that matter), I cannot realistically see staying abreast of + commenting on other peoples’ sites in the near future. My heartfelt apologies about that to those whose blogs I regularly visit.
As I have told Tony in the wake of this devastating situation, over the course of the past eighteen years we were blessed to share together, all I have ever wanted – and still want – is for him to be happy, healthy, content/fulfilled, and loved.
Until July 4th of this year, I believed those things would continue to happen in no small part through our life together.
If Tony thinks he is able to do so to a greater degree in a new life that he creates for himself, then with genuine love in my heart – no matter how much it pains me to say goodbye – I hope that he experiences each of those things all the more and is able to find whatever it is he felt/feels our marriage was no longer providing him with at this point in time.
For every tear that has fallen from my exhausted eyes over the past three weeks (they feel as though they must number in the millions by now), I will forever have the gift of an infinitely larger number of cherished, happy, soulful memories from the course our marriage to look back on with the deepest of gratitude and affection.
There is nothing in existence that I would trade for the years we shared, the unforgettable times we experienced, and those very memories that were forged in the fires of our love.
Thank you, sweet friends, for allowing me to share a few humble paragraphs about this situation with each of you.
Until we connect again, please know that you will be fiercely missed, always appreciated, and wished a joyful summer-into-fall (or winter-into-spring if you are south of the equator).
Oh dearest autumn – you are in my heart for this nightmare of shocking pain and this death season. As with all deaths – I have no proper words of comfort.
You have my email if you want to or need to come stay a province over for a while or anything else. I will miss you but am so concerned and fully baffled alongside you and hope you get proper answers/closure.
I wish you so many moments of respite and comfort while you traverse this hellish landscape of shock and pain.
You are in my prayers and thoughts. All the love 💕
Thank you from the furthest reaches of my appreciative heart, sweet Kmarie. You are such a compassionate, caring soul and I assure you that I will not hesitate to reach out to you should the need arise.
Your extremely kind offer to come hop over the Rockies and visit for a while brought (happiness/touched heart) tears to my eyes. That isn’t feasible at present, but I would absolutely love to take you up on it one day down the line. 💗
Please know that your thoughts and prayers are appreciated to the moon and back, as I am a firm believer in the collective positive energy and outcomes that can be generated by such things. 🙏
Having posted here on WCL at least once a week since the inception of this blog (back in January 2020), it will feel (and already does, actually) rather strange not to be posting here for the next little while.
I am holding fast to the belief that this will be a temporary hiatus though and that I can return again here once some slight semblance of stability has returned to my world once again.
In the meantime, (just as I always do) I will continue to jot down any blog post ideas that may float into the ol’ noggin.
Many huge thanks again for everything, beautiful heart.
Wishing you a sunny, joy-filled tail end of July + rest of the summer.
Oh Autumn! Words simply cannot express how sorry I am to read this. I can only send you the most heartfelt virtual hugs, but wish I was nearer to you and hug you in person. I do hope you will find a way out of this, my friend. Keeping you in my thoughts! xxx
Sweet, wonderfully caring Ann. Thank you from the bottom of my gratitude-filled heart for your kindness, compassion, and virtual hugs.
As someone who has known me (and therefore by extension, Tony) online all the way back to my vintage blogging days, I know that you can share all the more with me in the disbelief that surrounds this situation.
Three weeks on, I still keep hoping (even though, I do of course fully understand the reality and gravity of this massive life change) that I will wake up all of a sudden and this will all just be the worst of dreams.
Alas, it is my stark reality and so I must – both for my own sake and for that of Annie – soldier on and piece my shattered world back together once again.
It will be a tall order, but I have faith that in time (genuinely hard as it is for me to envision a future where Tony and I are not still happily married as we’ve been for the better part of two decades now) it will be possible.
Thank you again so much, my extremely sweet and caring friend.
I will very much miss our usual online interactions and eagerly look forward to when they can (hopefully!!!) resume again. 💖
Thinking of you + Jos and sending my happiest wishes for a stellar remainder of the summer of your way.
I am so very sorry.
Thank you deeply, dear Andrea. Your kindness touches my heart.
Wishing you an infinitely more enjoyable summer than mine.
PS: Your user name here does not link to a blog/website. If you have one and wish to share it, please feel free to do so as I would love to return the visit. 💗
Sadly I don’t have the words to express the deep sorrow I feel for you,I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers
Sweet, caring Meg, thank you mightily for your kindness and compassion – as well as your thoughts and prayers. I am a firm believer in the positives that can arise from sending that sort of well-intended energy out into the universe. 🙏💗
I will very much miss visiting your site and being inspired by your fabulous creations during this difficult period of my life and hope that it won’t be too terribly long before I can hop back into doing so again.
Immense hugs & the deepest of thanks,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can’t even imagine. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you deeply, my sweet friend. Three weeks on, and a fair bit of the time I still cannot believe this situation is my reality either.
I am no stranger to life-changing on a dime, but this takes the cake for me thus far in my 38 years (especially since I had no clue that our marriage was in trouble; that pains me greatly not only for my own sake, but because I would never want Tony to be/feel unhappy – let alone to such a major degree).
Times are brutally tough right now, but the perpetual (realistic) optimist in me holds out hope that I will be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and manage – in due time – to piece together my shattered life once again.
And when I can manage to carve out a speck of time, I will continue to visit whatever cemeteries I can reach on foot, by public transport (Tony has a car, but I do not), or via loved ones in the area with vehicles who – much like Tony always did – “get” my taphophilia adoring heart.
Thinking of you, dear lady, and sending wishes for an infinitely more positive summer (than mine) your way.
I look forward to reading your awesome blog again as soon as circumstances allow me to (hopefully!) get back to blogging again.
Scores of hugs,
I’m sure it’s not any easier having to write this post, dear Autumn. Stay strong, get some legal advice (you’re likely entitled to some spousal support – talk to Ally!), and be kind to yourself. And don’t forget to send me your address when you’re settled. If I can help – an ear to listen – please drop me a line.
Thank you wholeheartedly, sweet Sheila. Your kindness and support (both here and via our heart-to-heart emails) are immensely appreciated. 🙏💗
I am very grateful to say that as per the signed, legally binding separation agreement between myself and Tony, (so long as he is employed) he will be paying me alimony for quite a few years to come and that he is being very fair with his payments.
In fact and to his admirable credit, he is providing me with more monthly alimony than what he was legally advised to do – which I am touched by and, of course, appreciate beyond measure. 🙏🙏🙏
Between the sky-high cost of housing throughout most of BC (hugely including here in the Okanagan) and ever-rising inflation across the financial board, I will almost certainly have to find ways that my health will somehow allow for me to generate additional income on top of that though to help ensure I can continue to make my basic ends meet.
That fact is in no way a reflection of Tony’s generosity, though (and I would never claim otherwise). Rather, it speaks to the brutal reality that is the overall financial situation of life in our beautiful country in the 2020s.
Not only do I need to think about the state of the economy now, but how it will continue to almost certainly get worse in the months/years/decades to come (hugely including down the road when the day comes that my alimony term has wrapped up).
That is a tall order to tackle, but tackle it all the same I shall most certainly try with all my might and ingenuity. Wish me luck! 🍀😀🍀
Thank you again deeply, my very caring friend.
Giant hugs from the roasty-toasty Okanagan,
PS: Most days I am lucky to get five minutes online to delve into non-divorce-related activities, so have an email inbox that is quickly stacking up higher than a New York skyscraper at the moment. That said, I am seriously hoping to reply to your latest (also tremendously kind and supportive) message before this week wraps up. 💌
Autumn, I can not begin to imagine the pain you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you. When you are settled if you can share your address so I can drop you a card occasionally I would appreciate it. Remember:
You are Braver than you believe,
Stronger than you seem, and
Smarter than you think.
Christopher Robin to Pooh
Sweet Donna, your kindness is a beautiful light in these pitch-black times. Thank you, truly, for your compassionate support, sharing that timelessly meaningful WTP quote, and for offering to send some snail mail my way.
I would be honoured to receive cards from you (please feel free to email – firstname.lastname@example.org – anytime and I will happily give my new address to you once I have one).
Immense hugs & gratitude,
Dearest Autumn, I don’t think a day has gone by since I heard your shocking and catastrophic news, that you haven’t been in my thoughts. They can’t do anything practical to help but I hope they help in other more subtle ways. I have, after all, put something in the post to you, so I hope it reaches you before you are forced to move. This is truly a massive challenge for you, but you have overcome many other challenges in your life to date. I have no doubt that you will overcome this one too, but, of course, it will take time. I am also pleased to hear that Tony is giving you some alimony and he is being generous with it. I was worrying about that and had hoped that you had taken legal advice. Many years ago I went through a divorce and it was truly horrendous, but it was at my instigation, which makes it different to yours. It was very very hard for a few years, but in the end, it was the best thing. You will find your way through this and I wish you all the luck in the world to help you on the journey. I do hope you will be able to find a way to share your progress now and again, just so we don’t worry. I am a great worrier! xx
Autumn, this must have been such a difficult post for you to complete and I can’t imagine what you may be going through with it being such a sudden turn of events. I can hear your emotion in your post here and I respect you highly for not being bitter towards him and keeping that door open just in case he may find his way to you again. I’m sadden by your abrupt change and having to scramble to get your life in order and wish you nothing but the best for you both and happiness to be found wherever that may lead to. Sending you heartfelt hugs and best wishes as you will very much missed my friend.
I cannot imagine how much pain you are in! Sending so much love through the ether to you!
I understand that you won’t be able to visit other blogs for a while, but please keep us updated about what happens in your life, so we know you are ok!
Hi Autumn, I just saw this post and wanted to say that I’m very sorry to hear about the situation you’re currently going through. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, especially while also facing mental and physical health issues.
I have really enjoyed visiting your blog (I think I first found it through a guest post you did for Witch of Lupine Hollow), especially your sabbat posts. I also really appreciate you taking the time to visit my blog and comment on my posts. It means a lot. 🙂 No need to worry about visiting in the near future, I completely understand.
I wanted to send lots of love and good wishes to you. ❤️ I look forward to your possible return in the autumn. 🙂 Hope to continue connecting with you in future, whether it’s through this blog or another medium/s.
Sending good wishes that things improve for you as we transition from summer to autumn/fall.
Hi Autumn, sorry to bother you during this time, I just wanted to let you know that there’s a fake account on Instagram pretending to be Witchcrafted Life. The username is the_lewisseventhsister_. I tried to report it, but the form to submit the report it isn’t working for me properly.
I thought it was better to just let you know on here rather than messaging you on Instagram. 🙂 I’m thinking of you and sending love. ❤️
Oh Autumn, my heart hurts for you! I divorced 5 years ago and know how terrifying this can be. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I’ve had you on my mind for some time and wondered if all was OK. I’m so sorry to read this shocking and sad news and my heart just breaks for what you’re going through. How you can wish him happiness after the way he ripped your world apart shows your strength of character and purpose in this life. I just discovered yesterday that quite a number of your comments were unpublished in my blogger spam folder but I’ve fixed all that now and made my way back to your blog after such a long time. I’m sorry, but blogger doesn’t seem to be my friend anymore.
I wish I could give you answers, but clearly something or some situation altered your husband’s outlook on life in order for him to make such an abrupt and heartbreaking change so suddenly! It’s his problem going forward, but has created a massive problem for you going forward too! It’s like the rug was ripped from beneath your feet with no warning or consolation, and for that I am truly sorry.
I hope you can find yourself back on your feet again soon and be stronger as a result of what you’ve been forced to accept in this thing called “life.” Try to be strong and stay focused on yourself and getting through this dark tunnel that has a light at the end. You have my email if you ever feel the need to talk – I’m a good listener and I care. Heartfelt hugs and best wishes for a future that finds you happy and able to smile again soon.
Dearest Autumn, just two days ago I woke up with you on my mind, wondering when you had last posted and how your life was going. I thought to reach out to you on IG but chose to visit your blog instead, not having been here for a while myself. I am heartbroken for you – so heartbroken.
I wish I could say something to comfort you – but I know the pain of divorce all too well to know that is not possible right now.
You have proven to yourself, and to all of us, and to the Universe, that you are beyond resilient, remarkable, and abound with loving grace……I know you will get through this…..you dear, are very familiar with death and rebirth, as you’ve experienced it so many times already.
I wish you only the very best, and hope that you find some clarity amidst what must feel like only wreckage.
I am here for you if you need a virtual ear, and I hope you come back here when you are ready. For now, love yourself, and be kind to yourself. We will be here when you return.
Blessed be, my friend.
This made me SO sad again although I already knew it. Remember I am not more far away than an e-mail, and you can write anything to me. I think of you on a daily basis and I’ve always said your writing creates a feeling, reading this I can certainly feel your pain. I cannot offer anything, other than my prayers for good luck, and will end with this quote:
“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
Endless e-hugs from Sanne ♥
Autumn, I have not been on Instagram much recently, and just found this post today. I am so sorry. I am thinking of you, and wish you all the best as you build your new path forward.
I’m deeply sorry that you have all this pain and turmoil to reckon with. I can’t imagine what it must feel like.
I hope that at this point in time, you’ve found somewhere to feel safe, rest, and process everything.
I firmly believe you will find a new daily routine to find strength in, because you are so strong and so smart, but of course that doesn’t make it any easier now. May the day come soon that your new life begins to feel like home.
Oh Autumn11 I was just thinking of you and wondering what you’ve been up to. I am so incredibly sorry to read your heartbreaking news. I do hope you’re surrounded by family and friends who can uphold you and support you during this devastating time. My heart and love go out to you. xox
You came to mind especially this morning. Just want to let you know I’m thinking of you and saying prayers for your heart. xox
I know how special this day is to you. Happy Halloween, my sweet friend! 🎃💕
Oh Autumn! I can’t imagine, well I have been divorced, but it did not end in this manner. My heart goes out to you. I have been thinking of you for a while but just now decided to find your blog and see what’s going on. I can see why I had to go so far back in my notices, it’s been months since you posted this. I do hope your situation has improved and you are in a better places. Sending blessings to you and may the phoenix rise again. Blessed be
Just popping by to let you know I’m still thinking of you. xox